I actually lazed around the entire day reading books on my phone instead of studying for tomorrow’s finals like I’m supposed to, so in truth I actually had nothing of importance to talk about today. Nothing interesting, even, although the jury’s still out on whether I’m even interesting in the first place. I thought about a lot of things, but most of them are things that warrant more effort than a post hurriedly written late at night when I’m full and tired and suffering from a slight headache.
So I guess today I’ll talk about time. It passes quickly, everyone knows that. But it also feels unreal – time both passes too quickly and too slowly, capturing memories in bright flashes and frozen amber. There are memories that come to mind after much consideration, that I have to dredge up from within the murky confines before I can see them clearly again, and there are memories that come to mind unbidden, sparked by a thought, a sight, a scent, a laugh, and I’ll remember it clear as day. Time makes memories unreal, much like how it makes everything else surreal.
Part of me is just peeved at how I almost forgot I didn’t have any exams this morning – I woke up at 7.30am, far too late to warrant any last minute studying or prep before an exam (all of which this week unfortunately start at 8.30am) disregarding the fact that I need to take the 7.30 bus by the latest to reach the exam hall in time. I woke up at 7.30am and nearly had a bloody heart attack before I remembered I had no exams this morning, but the nagging feeling that I might have been wrong and I could have skipped out on a very important final exam remained with me throughout the day. I’m still not entirely sure. How do I know what’s real and what’s not? I still don’t know.
Everybody has that fear, of waking up too early on an important day and ruining everything, but mine seems to go beyond that. I’m afraid that everything I know is false, is unreal, that I don’t know how I’ve lived before this but everything from now on is a lie. That time – that elusive concept, that abstract ticking of life draining away by the moment, because we all die in the end, and isn’t what seconds are for? for counting down the moments until it slips from our breaths and our bodies grow cold? – is frozen and lightning-fast, that time is real and unreal and is everything at once, and the world has no place for someone who does not understand how it works. Someone like me.
I dunno. Headaches make me think strange things. This probably won’t be the last.
DAILY FOOD LOG
Water intake: more than 1 liter
Fruit intake: a pack of dragon fruit + mixed berries yoghurt
Vegetable intake: everything in the kuey tiow kungfu, which is a lot
Til next time.